So how did I become and SMBC? Well I first want to say I didn’t know anything about the SMBC community when I started thinking about having a baby on my own.  It just wasn’t a thing I had ever seen or heard anyone do and I definitely didn’t know there was a whole community. Today I am beyond thankful to this amazing and supportive group of women. I feel such a sense of connection from it.

Anyway black to where I started. I have always wanted to be a mother.  I could feel it in my bones. I am the oldest of four and it was so natural for me to help them when I was young. I even changed my college major because I didn’t want to be in school that long…I had dreams of a young family. But I was also naive and thought that kind of dream would magically appear.  I was also a late bloomer and got into the dating game late. I think in a way I always neglected that side of myself, that dream.  I am a super goal oriented person, so it was easy for me to put my head down and focus on every other goal. I travelled the globe with an a cappella group in high school leaving no time for me to experience young love…in college I blossomed socially and was experience the party life along with a heavy course load and multiple jobs to support it all.  A year after I graduated I bought a house and then a few years later after climbing the so called corporate ladder I started my own company and that has been my baby ever since.  I left little time to invest in real dating.  If I wasn’t working, I was spending time with my family and close group of friends doing adventures together and traveling. I guess I had always hoped mr. right would come along and knock down my walls and it would just be easy, but that hasn’t happened yet.  Instead I found myself in a pattern of falling for emotionally unavailable men, by the time I unpacked the why behind that it was too late and I was mid thirties.

So now I am thirty something still working my ass off with work, adventuring hard, keeping my calendar full and trying to fit in dating. The problem for me was two fold at this point.  One is that I am not a fan of dating and small talk so it was hard for me to make that a priority over the deep connecting time I could be having with my close friends.  The second thing was when I did find the time to go on a date I always had that biological clock in the back of my head and I am sure that energy was put out there even if I didn’t say it.  I wanted a real connection, I wanted my person so bad that I am sure they could smell it on me.  This just made dating even more frustrating and it was at that point I realized it may not happen the way I thought it would, but still didn’t know what the answer was.   Then when I was 37, as I was playing with a friends child, this friends mom came up to me and said you are going to be an amazing mother. She knew my dating struggles and that I loathed being the last friend in my group and last of my siblings to be single without kids.  So she just said why don’t you just have a baby by yourself. As if it was no big deal.  I truly had never considered it. I come from a long line of a traditional nuclear family that it was such a foreign concept.  She was like look you accomplish everything you go after why don’t you go after this and make it happen.  That is when it clicked that yeah this might be something I could do.

It took me 2 years really feeling things out and analyzing the possible scenarios (which I do regularly).  Yes overanalyszer here! In hind sight I wish I would have started sooner so I could have more time with my daughter, but then I also don’t believe in regret and that you need every experience to get you to where you are. In those 2 years I also decided to scale back my business almost entirely. I had a 6000sqft video and marketing studio with 10 employees and it was a grind. It was a hard change to makeat first but oh my God, the freedom I feel now keeping a few select clients and freelancing from home. I had to let go of that big business baby in order to focus on my next one.

So now I am ready to take the first step and it is scary as hell.  Big decisions are scary for me and I felt unprepared for how things could go but I was out of time…at least in my mind I was.  I was 39 and if I started trying and got pregnant in the next couple months I could potentially have a baby before I was 40. It was a looming number.

I have to say my journey of trying to conceive was a miracle.  I still hadn’t figure out that there was an SMBC community. I had done little research on trying to conceive or how I could conceive and I was super in the dark about fertility issues and what many women face.  All I knew was I needed to pick out some sperm and make an appointment with a fertility specialist so I did those two things. The first call to the doctor was scary. my heart was racing, because once I make the decision to jump I jump. The appointment was in November of 2019. We had a consult, the initial ultrasound which happened to fall perfectly with my cycle so he could see my follicles and their growth.  I had 9 which he said was normal for my age.  Blood tests also looked good but don’t ask me what they were cause I didn’t even know back then what an AMH was.  All I knew was that I looked good other than some rather large fibroids in my uteran wall, but he said most likely those aren’t in the way and if I wanted to skip the filopean test I could and we could try next month.  For me it was a resounding yes cause at this point I was just ready to go.  I had jumped feet first and now this was all I wanted to happen. He told me which banks their office thought were the best to get sperm from and that I needed to monitor my ovulation for my next cycle. Once I got a positive HG level to call and we would be scheduled the day after.

Picking out the sperm…the potential genetic other half of your child.  Wow this is a heavy topic. So I will save that for another post because that was a story in and of itself.

I started testing at day 10 of my cycle.  I am super regular and can usually always tell naturally when I ovulate, but when there is potential future on the line it becomes panicky to make sure you don’t miss it. I started testing at day 10 of my cycle and took a test how they told me to on my second pee of the day. Panic started setting in day 16 when I still hadn’t gotten a positive…had I missed it? Am I doing this right.  Wasn’t it supposed to be around day 14 for most women? I had never actually counted the exact day I felt ovulation. Oh man the feeling I had those next couple days just waiting to see that line.  It finally came on day 18. I went in the next day a ball full of nerves tried to stay calm and peaceful got the IUI and then…waited.

On New Years Eve, day 10 past ovulation I took my first pregnancy test in my life and the faintest of lines appeard.  I was alone, no one knew I was testing and it was a moment that still brings tears to my eyes as I write this. It was the biggest feeling of joy I have ever felt my heart felt like it would burst out of my chest and then it was followed by a brief oh shit what did I do moment…that quickly passed and I had to text it to my family and share the news.

Looking back I think holy cow God was on my side because I was sooooo naive and unknowledgeable about this stuff that had I not fallen pregnant after my first IUI I think I would have been really lost.  I had no idea the journey some women take and that the percentage was low for it working on the first IUI. That is the main reason I wanted to share my story…that by chance it might reach someone like me who was naive and didn’t know they could take steps to their dream of motherhood.  Since that moment I have had a voracious appetite for knowledge on this subject and have used my research strength to become much more informed and I hope to share that knowledge and my experience.  I also want to take a pause here and say my heart goes out to all the ladies on the long road to motherhood and I am so proud of you and your efforts.  I have so much respect for your perseverance and tenacity in chasing your dream.

I believe our purpose is to experience love in its many forms and I could forgo a future as a wife with a partner maybe but not as a mother.